Week 6

Here I sit, wearing a sweater vest and drinking a cup of coffee at Starbucks on a Friday afternoon. If I had a time machine and could go back one decade, seventeen-year-old me wouldn’t give me the time of day. He’d be disgusted. Where did I go wrong? One thing is for sure, seventeen-year-old me would never have followed up Week 4’s 5 - 9 record with a 4 - 10 record (meanwhile The Wife has firmly established supremacy with a 9 - 5 Week 5 that put her well over .500 on the year and firmly out in front of me). Can it get worse? (FACTOID: Yes, the Browns could be starting Colt McCoy this weekend behind a hobbled O-Line against the vaunted Steelers D and without the full services of Peyton Hillis (hamstring) and Joshua Cribbs (ankle). Ok, Cribbs would still take it to the Steelers even if he only had one leg. On to the picks…

(home teams in caps)

San Diego -8 over SAINT LOUIS: The Chargers did what last week against the Raiders? Oh. Gave up the following: Safety, Punt (blocked) returned for TD, Field Goal (blocked) returned for a TD. And they still only lost by a score? Sorry Bradford, I know your QB rating would be good if it were your completion percentage, but until you could beat Derek Anderson in a duel you ain’t bringin’ it to Philip-I-hate-the-opposing-quarterback-personally-Rivers.

Kansas City +4.5 over HOUSTON: Last week Schaub laid this stinker: 16/34, 196 yards, INT. The only thing worse than that is Matt Cassel. Who plays for the Chiefs. But don’t worry Chiefs fans, because you’re going to get Jamaal Charles—who averages—averages—six and a half yards per carry—to chew up some clock and keep this one close. The Chiefs won’t win, but when Houston starts to sniff that red-and-blue grass they start having hallucinations about actually winning the AFC South and going to the playoffs and forget to play the game. I went into this one thinking I should defend the Texans from the pundit vitriol that’s being poured out on them for disappointing the pundits’ expectations. Meh.

Baltimore +2.5 over NEW ENGLAND: Bill Belichick finds out the hard way that Randy Moss is not Deion Branch. Wait, the Patriots got Deion Branch back? When did that happen? Woo-hoo! Deion Branch is back! The Super Bowl MVP! He’s as good as Randy Moss! Here’s what’s gonna happen: Deion Branch catches 4 balls and the Patriots lose by one point when Belichick goes for it on 4th and 2 from his own 20 yard line up by 2 with ten seconds left and the Ravens kick a field goal on the last play of the game.

TAMPA BAY +4 over New Orleans: Drew Brees and the Saints come to town pissed off about coming out of the gate flat on their collective face in their Championship-defending season. They're ready for a good old fashioned beat-down of the division rival Bucs, but midway through the third quarter strange sounds of trumpets fill the humid air as painted men wielding swords issue forth from the pirate ship and hamstring… wait, Reggie Bush is out again (leg)? Miss those turnovers yet, Aints? Let’s just remind ourselves, folks, this is the team that needed an extra possession to beat the Colts in the Super Bowl (brilliant gamble onside kick to open the second half gave the Saints a handicap).

Atlanta +2.5 over PHILADEPHIA: Because instead of Peyton Hillis breaking the other team’s guys, the other team’s guys broke Peyton Hillis. And Seneca Wallace. And Jake Delhomme. Atlanta is now my official, take-it-to-the-bank Super Bowl pick. For the moment. Also, come on, have you ever seen a Falcon? No. Ever seen an Eagle? Yes. The Eagle is in a cage tethered to a tree branch. The Falcon gets to do whatever it wants. Like sharpen its talons on mice. Also the Falcon brings its buddies to gang up on the Eagle (which is endangered, so it doesn’t have any buddies). Look! I got through without bringing up Michael Vick!

NY GIANTS -10 over Detroit: Because Detroit won, 44–9 last week. And they’re not good enough at winning not to let that affect them adversely. On their way to the stadium the Lions get their bus stuck in the Jersey swamp (they are required by Ford Motor Co. to ride to all away games in a bus) and the first-stringers don’t make it. The practice squad is hurriedly flown out to New Jersey as replacements, and nobody notices.

CHICAGO -6.5 over Seattle: But only if Cutler plays. Collins last week completed six passes to his teammates, four to the other guys. On the other side, Hasselbeck has racked up a 2–1 INT to TD ratio, and he’s supposed to be the starter. Just before kickoff, Pete Carroll, whom Pat Kirwan on NFL Radio last night called “the most excited guy in the world”, incurs an ejection for arguing with a ref about how innocent Reggie Bush is.

Miami +3 over GREEN BAY: Aaron Rodgers has a concussion, which means that his brain—kind of important for the quarterback position—is swelling up against the inside of his skull. No big whoop for the Pack, who are playing him anyway. In fact, even sending Rodgers out on Sunday, the Packers can only find eleven able-bodied men left on their team. They run out of wind some time in the second quarter while Miami sends the erstwhile Super Bowl favorite into waiting-for-next-year mode.

Cleveland +13.5 over PITTSBURGH: Because, even without the starting QB, the backup QB, the starting RB, the starting C, the starting LT, and Josh Cribbs (don’t know what position I should say he plays) at 100% I just have to believe that thirteen and a half points will be enough of a spot for Rob Ryan’s quietly improved defense (13th in points allowed, and let's not forget that they've only given up 6 TDs in five games, and they're the only team in the NFL not to have given up a rushing TD).

DENVER +3 over NY Jets: In a blowout, Jets coach Rex Ryan heads to the media room to give a press conference about how the Jets are the best team in the world while Braylon Edwards rents a helicopter to go watch a Michigan intra-mural broom ball game—at half time. Then Denver plays the second half.

Oakland +6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO: Trying to figure out why 0–5 San Francisco is favored by a touchdown in this one…

Dallas +1.5 over MINNESOTA: Favre starts the game to keep his streak going...then leaves after the first snap. Meanwhile the Cowboys shut down the Vikings on the goal line on the last play of the game, realize that they’re the most talented 1 - 3 team in NFL history, simultaneously commit every kind of unsportsmanlike penalty in the book, give the Vikings an untimed down, and lose by a point.

Indianapolis -3 over WASHINGTON: Peyton Manning, hard up for cash because he hasn’t been doing as many commercials as usual this year, having lulled the gamblers into a slumber with the Colts’ mediocre start, begins his last MVP run by obliterating a surprisingly good Redskins squad.

Tennessee -3 over JACKSONVILLE: Jacksonville fails to fill up its stadium on Monday Night Football and Vince Young reminds the 30th-ranked pass defense of that beautiful Rose Bowl back in 2006.