Week 8

Well, we got back on track last week going 8 - 6. No need to flip the picks this week as I've finally learned that this year in wacky-NFL-world underdogs win as often as favorites and players can be "feel-good stories" for "coming back" from self-inflicted absences from the game due to rape and cruelty to animals.

SPECTANDUM this week: I get through the column without mentioning text-messaging. Which makes my column more concerned with sports than ESPN!

For All Hallows’ Eve: a scary-ugly matchup in London. In the words of Martial: your face looks like it’s under water, Denver. Can’t say I’m sad to see Denver struggling…

SAN FRANCISCO -2 over Denver: The 49ers travel 5,371 miles one way to get to Wembley Stadium for their “home” game in London. Let’s put that in perspective. The Bengals will travel a total of 5,992 miles for all eight of their road games this season. Crazy thing about this game? The Niners are still in it for the NFC West.

DALLAS -6.5 over Jacksonville: Look for Jon Kitna and Dez Bryant to make the 30th-ranked Jags defense carry their shoulder pads.

FACTOID: Dallas linebacker DeMarcus Ware has a touchdown in five consecutive games. What??

Washington +2.5 over DETROIT: Detroit is favored in a game! The Lions may be scoring a lot of points but they can’t run the ball (31st in the league) and the Skins come to town with a balanced attack. Look for Matthew Stafford to light up the Skins’ dubious D until a late turnover dooms the home team.

NY JETS -6 over Green Bay: Before the season, this might have been considered a Super Bowl preview. Now, folks in the glorious Midwestern state of Wisconsin are scratching their cheesy heads and asking themselves: the Bears? No, wait, the Bears? Folks in Minnesota are just waiting for baseball season to start. Which is sad, cause it’s still October.

ST LOUIS -3 over Carolina: Is anybody not rooting for Sam Bradford, Steven Jackson, and the St. Louis Rams at this point? Meanwhile Carolina is coming off their first win of the season last week, so look for the worst-in-the-league Panthers to get back to normal. Sam Bradford throws 2 TDs and a pick, which should be plenty.

Miami +1 over CINCINNATI: The Dolphins are the underdogs this week? Man, those Fins fans have got to be pissed, and the Bengals are a nice AFC North substitute for whom the refs won’t rig games.

KANSAS CITY -7.5 over Buffalo: Last year during baseball season you could always boost your Streak for the Cash by picking against the (Pre-Strasburg) Nats. The Bills are this year’s (and every year’s) Nats. But man, oh, man, what an effort last week against the Ravens, whose defense is declining in ways we’ve never seen since Benedict Modell picked up his skirt and skipped off to Poe-town.

Tennessee +3.5 over SAN DIEGO: We’re at the midway point of the season, and that means the pundits have picked out which coaches they want fired. So far San Diego’s Norv Turner headlines that list, which includes both Josh McDaniels and Mike Singletary (whose teams travel to the UK), the Cowboys’ Wade Phillips and, surprisingly, the 5 - 2 Ravens’ Jim Harbaugh. Meanwhile Tennessee did just what I said they would last week, and with Vince Young back in the lineup, look for Philip Rivers to get his first career loss to the Titans.

Tampa Bay +3 over ARIZONA: Tampa Bay is better than Arizona in just about every significant statistical category. And Arizona is being outscored by an average of over ten points per game. And Tampa Bay gets points in this one. Where do I sign?

Seattle +2.5 over OAKLAND: This matchup will feature two rejuvenated running backs in Marshawn Lynch and Darren McFadden, so look for these teams—which have had inconsistent quarterback play—to commit to the run. Special teams play will be the wild card here.

NEW ENGLAND +6.5 over Minnesota: Poor Minnesotans. They sold their souls to the devil last year and there ain’t no Daniel Webster gonna come and bail out this Jabez Stone.

Pittsburgh +1 over NEW ORLEANS: Come on. New Orleans is favored here? Seriously? I know Brees is going to bounce back after last weeks Mangini-Ryan Radar Defense extravaganza (FACTOID-urum: we will see more of the radar defense around the league next season), but come on people. This is the Steelers. The best team in football. Look for the zebras to continue to step up their game for the new rules-immune bad boys of the NFL.

Houston +5.5 over INDIANAPOLIS: Who knows what to do here? The Colts, even at 4 - 2 (and third place!) have never looked worse this decade. But this decade is over and the Colts are finally letting us know that they’re done. On the other hand, the Colts are +38 and the Texans -14 in net points. Still, Peyton Manning is going to be throwing the football to a bunch of guys off the street and the Colts are going to have to start paying their debt to the football gods for quitting on all those perfect seasons.

Week 7

DISCLAIMER: After being so consistently bad in recent weeks, I hereby reverse all of my picks this week. This way, when I'm wrong about almost all of them, I can still say I was right about almost all of them. It's still like predicting the future: just using prudent judgment about my poor judgment, right?

ATLANTA -3.5 over Cincinnati: Terrell Owens has been on fire, and Carson Palmer uses him as the human torch to light up the Falcons secondary which ranks 25th in the NFL in pass yards allowed, igniting Thomas Decoud, William Moore, Brent Grimes, and Chris Owens. Unfortunately this tactic backfires when Owens comes back to the huddle and the entire Bengals offense is caught in the conflagration.

Pittsburgh -3 over MIAMI: James Harrison comes out of the world’s briefest retirement to crack some heads this week in Miami. The Dolphins players counter his tactic by wearing extra large cork-filled helmets. As a halftime readjustment, wonder-Coach Mike Tomlin provides Harrison with a special helmet of his own to counter the helmets of the Dolphins players, who are rendered helpless, in the absence of rules applying to Harrison during games.

BALTIMORE -13 over Buffalo: Factoid: Ryan Fitzpatrick has thrown 7 TDs and 2 INTs; Joe Flacco has thrown 7 TDs and 6 INTs. Factoid²: the Bills’ top two rushers average 4.4 YPC and 5 YPC, while the Ravens’ both average under 4. So are the winless Bills (who are 14-7 coming out of the bye week) going to defeat the 4-2 Ravens? Nah. Are they even going to keep it close? Well, let’s put it this way: the Bills are losing by an average of 15 points per game.

Jacksonville +9.5 over KANSAS CITY: The fans at Arrowhead have restored one of the best home-field advantages in football, which the Jaguars learn to their peril as boobie traps all over the field are sprung all afternoon. But the Chiefs didn’t bargain for one thing: the Jaguars home-field advantage is when they’re not at home. Gimme those 9.5 points.

NEW ORLEANS -13 over Cleveland: If the Browns are going to win this game, it will be a close one involving the Browns winning the turnover battle and Peyton Hillis-led drives that control the clock (the recipe long-since proven to stop Peyton Manning). But the Browns are not going to win and the Saints are going to go vertical all day long, causing the Browns to settle for fewer field goals and hence fewer points.

CHICAGO -3 over Washington: Not many Bears in Maryland, and the Potomac River Basin Indigenous Peoples (credit: Gregg Easterbrook) are shocked to find that their defenses are useless against the powerful jaws of these bloodthirsty creatures. McNabb is 4-1 playing in his hometown Chicago, but it helps to have a defense that’s not the worst in the league (32nd in yards allowed).

San Francisco -3 over CAROLINA: Ok San Fran: you have our attention. Now what are you going to do with it? Meanwhile, it didn’t take long in Carolina to discover the latest Domer bust. We almost feel bad for Notre Dame, as if it's losing its identity…

Saint Loius +3 over TAMPA BAY: The Rams are our favorite sleeper team to win the NFC West with a record of .500 or less! Meanwhile Sam Bradford is not playing like a rookie quarterback, leading the Rams to a 3-3 record after last year’s worst-overall 1-15. This could be a nice showcase of two up-and-coming young QBs.

TENNESSEE -3 over Philadelphia: The Tennessee Titans, who look more and more like the Pittsburgh Steelers (used to look), are getting the perfect matchup this week: an Eagles squad with clipped wings and uncertainty at the QB position.

SEATTLE -6.5 over Arizona: The Cardinals have won 12 of 14 against division opponents. 11 of those with Kurt Warner as the quarterback. Meanwhile, the Great(est) Max Hall has yet to throw a TD.

New England +2.5 over SAN DIEGO: Um...apparently Deion Branch is Randy Moss after all (9 catches for 98 yards and a TD in his first game back with NE). Exercising every competitive advantage, Bill Belichick replaces the Chargers’ sideline with European-style outlets.

Oakland +8 at DENVER: Didn’t these guys just play each other? Anyway, the other West division also features a game with massive playoff implications. Between teams that are 2-4. But Kyle Orton led the league in passing yards through the first quarter (and is currently #2)! Who’s number 1? Philip Rivers! The combined records of their teams: 2-8. Meanwhile the pundits continue to drone their mantra that in today’s NFL you can’t win with rushing and good D (as the Jets and Ravens are doing right now), you gotta chuck it (as the Broncos and Chargers are doing right now).

Factoid: repeating something over and over again does not make it true; it just feels that way (remember how ridiculous the very concept of Fatheads were when we first started hearing about them?).

GREEN BAY -2.5 over Minnesota: This is going to be one heck of a game, with Favre-Rodgers, division championship implications, the rivalry, the fact that neither of these teams plays for a city. I’ll take hometown by a field goal, and thank the bookies for only giving Minny 2.5 instead of 3.

NY Giants +3 over DALLAS: The red-hot Giants (with points!) go to Dallas to bring into clearer focus an NFC Championship game between Big Blue and the Falcons.

Update: How to tackle

This just in from the Cleveland Plain Dealer's Terry Pluto on former Browns players weighing in—mostly with defenders on the side of the defender, offensive players on the side of the offensive player—on the Harrison–Massaquoi collision.

Pluto caught up with former Browns linebacker Jim Houston, who had this to say about tackling technique:

"I played for Paul Brown and Blanton Collier, and they preached that you tackle with your shoulders, arms and hands -- not the head," said Houston, who played for the Browns from 1960 to 1972. "I tend to side with the players who say most hits can't be avoided. The game is so fast. Most just happen, I don't think it's premeditated."

So please, before you defend the defenders, listen to what a defender who was taught by one of the most influential coaches in NFL history has to say about "how he was taught". That means you, Mr. Harrison, and you Coach Tomlin.

Not that I don't think Mike Tomlin is a genius of a coach.

James Harrison, Josh Cribbs, Rick Reilly, and What's Probably NOT Gonna Happen

This just in from ESPN's Rick Reilly (formerly of Sports Illustrated):

a solution to all the hullaballoo surrounding James I-never-learned-tackling-technique-in-pee-wee-and-am-proud-to-let-everyone-know-about-it-Harrison and the NFL's recent show of concern for concussions (a form of brain damage about which the consensus of academic medicine has yet to understand completely, and which has lifelong effects): suspend the player for the rest of the game! Brilliant!

If we can have a rule that a player who suffers a concussion can't go in for the rest of the game, why can't we have the same rule for players who hand them out?

I don't usually like Reilly—too much of an activist (why is it that the ones who supposedly hold sacred the individual's choice of lifestyle make up the majority of activists?)—but I love his idea here.

It's a way of cutting down on concussions with a punishment that has more teeth than even a $75,000 fine (to a player who just made $20,000,000, of which 75,000 is 0.38%, in other words, like taking three dollars and four cents out of one of my paychecks. So a $75,000 fine to a James Harrison is a Starbucks cappuccino to a graduate student making a Teaching Fellow's stipend), more teeth than the fine, yet not as outrageous (to some) as a suspension, since missing the rest of the game does not entail the loss of a game check, which for Harrison would be 1/16 of his annual income (not counting bonus and endorsements) or, in my case, closer to a month's rent.

Reilly goes on to point out what we do know about these brain injuries:

We now know what these collisions can mean later in life. We know because the NFL is telling us. We know because we heard about what the battered brains of Hall of Famer Mike Webster and Terry Long looked like. Oh, yeah, they were Steelers, too, weren't they?

—but the full extent of the damage is only just being learned.

And let's not get started on Harrison himself, eh, Reilly?

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin defended Harrison, saying he's a "model" for young players to imitate. Oh, yeah, he's a peach. Fined $5,000 for slamming Vince Young into the ground. Fined $5,000 for unnecessary brutality against a Cincinnati Bengal. Had to go to anger management and undergo psychiatric counseling after being charged with assault on his girlfriend. Owned a pit bull that bit his son, the boy's mom and his masseuse. When's he running for Congress?

or how about this one, from ESPN's AFC North blogger James Walker:

"I thought Cribbs was asleep," Harrison said. "A hit like that geeks you up, especially when you find out the guy is not really hurt, he's just sleeping. He's knocked out but he's going to be OK."

—what?! Is this statement even intelligible? How, precisely, are we to understand the word "sleeping", here? Is he suggesting that Joshua Cribbs and Mohammed Massaquoi are narcoleptics?

Now Harrison wants to know if he can still play in this NFL that requires him to learn how to tackle instead of launching himself head first at people from the side.

What I want to know is, even if you are one sandwich short of a picnic basket, how to you do that to your former teammate (Harrison and Cribbs played at Kent State together), and then, when justice is served, call it a "travesty"?

Week 6

Here I sit, wearing a sweater vest and drinking a cup of coffee at Starbucks on a Friday afternoon. If I had a time machine and could go back one decade, seventeen-year-old me wouldn’t give me the time of day. He’d be disgusted. Where did I go wrong? One thing is for sure, seventeen-year-old me would never have followed up Week 4’s 5 - 9 record with a 4 - 10 record (meanwhile The Wife has firmly established supremacy with a 9 - 5 Week 5 that put her well over .500 on the year and firmly out in front of me). Can it get worse? (FACTOID: Yes, the Browns could be starting Colt McCoy this weekend behind a hobbled O-Line against the vaunted Steelers D and without the full services of Peyton Hillis (hamstring) and Joshua Cribbs (ankle). Ok, Cribbs would still take it to the Steelers even if he only had one leg. On to the picks…

(home teams in caps)

San Diego -8 over SAINT LOUIS: The Chargers did what last week against the Raiders? Oh. Gave up the following: Safety, Punt (blocked) returned for TD, Field Goal (blocked) returned for a TD. And they still only lost by a score? Sorry Bradford, I know your QB rating would be good if it were your completion percentage, but until you could beat Derek Anderson in a duel you ain’t bringin’ it to Philip-I-hate-the-opposing-quarterback-personally-Rivers.

Kansas City +4.5 over HOUSTON: Last week Schaub laid this stinker: 16/34, 196 yards, INT. The only thing worse than that is Matt Cassel. Who plays for the Chiefs. But don’t worry Chiefs fans, because you’re going to get Jamaal Charles—who averages—averages—six and a half yards per carry—to chew up some clock and keep this one close. The Chiefs won’t win, but when Houston starts to sniff that red-and-blue grass they start having hallucinations about actually winning the AFC South and going to the playoffs and forget to play the game. I went into this one thinking I should defend the Texans from the pundit vitriol that’s being poured out on them for disappointing the pundits’ expectations. Meh.

Baltimore +2.5 over NEW ENGLAND: Bill Belichick finds out the hard way that Randy Moss is not Deion Branch. Wait, the Patriots got Deion Branch back? When did that happen? Woo-hoo! Deion Branch is back! The Super Bowl MVP! He’s as good as Randy Moss! Here’s what’s gonna happen: Deion Branch catches 4 balls and the Patriots lose by one point when Belichick goes for it on 4th and 2 from his own 20 yard line up by 2 with ten seconds left and the Ravens kick a field goal on the last play of the game.

TAMPA BAY +4 over New Orleans: Drew Brees and the Saints come to town pissed off about coming out of the gate flat on their collective face in their Championship-defending season. They're ready for a good old fashioned beat-down of the division rival Bucs, but midway through the third quarter strange sounds of trumpets fill the humid air as painted men wielding swords issue forth from the pirate ship and hamstring… wait, Reggie Bush is out again (leg)? Miss those turnovers yet, Aints? Let’s just remind ourselves, folks, this is the team that needed an extra possession to beat the Colts in the Super Bowl (brilliant gamble onside kick to open the second half gave the Saints a handicap).

Atlanta +2.5 over PHILADEPHIA: Because instead of Peyton Hillis breaking the other team’s guys, the other team’s guys broke Peyton Hillis. And Seneca Wallace. And Jake Delhomme. Atlanta is now my official, take-it-to-the-bank Super Bowl pick. For the moment. Also, come on, have you ever seen a Falcon? No. Ever seen an Eagle? Yes. The Eagle is in a cage tethered to a tree branch. The Falcon gets to do whatever it wants. Like sharpen its talons on mice. Also the Falcon brings its buddies to gang up on the Eagle (which is endangered, so it doesn’t have any buddies). Look! I got through without bringing up Michael Vick!

NY GIANTS -10 over Detroit: Because Detroit won, 44–9 last week. And they’re not good enough at winning not to let that affect them adversely. On their way to the stadium the Lions get their bus stuck in the Jersey swamp (they are required by Ford Motor Co. to ride to all away games in a bus) and the first-stringers don’t make it. The practice squad is hurriedly flown out to New Jersey as replacements, and nobody notices.

CHICAGO -6.5 over Seattle: But only if Cutler plays. Collins last week completed six passes to his teammates, four to the other guys. On the other side, Hasselbeck has racked up a 2–1 INT to TD ratio, and he’s supposed to be the starter. Just before kickoff, Pete Carroll, whom Pat Kirwan on NFL Radio last night called “the most excited guy in the world”, incurs an ejection for arguing with a ref about how innocent Reggie Bush is.

Miami +3 over GREEN BAY: Aaron Rodgers has a concussion, which means that his brain—kind of important for the quarterback position—is swelling up against the inside of his skull. No big whoop for the Pack, who are playing him anyway. In fact, even sending Rodgers out on Sunday, the Packers can only find eleven able-bodied men left on their team. They run out of wind some time in the second quarter while Miami sends the erstwhile Super Bowl favorite into waiting-for-next-year mode.

Cleveland +13.5 over PITTSBURGH: Because, even without the starting QB, the backup QB, the starting RB, the starting C, the starting LT, and Josh Cribbs (don’t know what position I should say he plays) at 100% I just have to believe that thirteen and a half points will be enough of a spot for Rob Ryan’s quietly improved defense (13th in points allowed, and let's not forget that they've only given up 6 TDs in five games, and they're the only team in the NFL not to have given up a rushing TD).

DENVER +3 over NY Jets: In a blowout, Jets coach Rex Ryan heads to the media room to give a press conference about how the Jets are the best team in the world while Braylon Edwards rents a helicopter to go watch a Michigan intra-mural broom ball game—at half time. Then Denver plays the second half.

Oakland +6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO: Trying to figure out why 0–5 San Francisco is favored by a touchdown in this one…

Dallas +1.5 over MINNESOTA: Favre starts the game to keep his streak going...then leaves after the first snap. Meanwhile the Cowboys shut down the Vikings on the goal line on the last play of the game, realize that they’re the most talented 1 - 3 team in NFL history, simultaneously commit every kind of unsportsmanlike penalty in the book, give the Vikings an untimed down, and lose by a point.

Indianapolis -3 over WASHINGTON: Peyton Manning, hard up for cash because he hasn’t been doing as many commercials as usual this year, having lulled the gamblers into a slumber with the Colts’ mediocre start, begins his last MVP run by obliterating a surprisingly good Redskins squad.

Tennessee -3 over JACKSONVILLE: Jacksonville fails to fill up its stadium on Monday Night Football and Vince Young reminds the 30th-ranked pass defense of that beautiful Rose Bowl back in 2006.

Week 5

Redemption? Maybe. Can I do worse than 5 - 9? Not a chance. Not this week.

Denver +7 over BALTIMORE: Hmmm...let’s see. What’s 1,419 (Kyle Orton’s passing yards) times four (12 out of 16 games left)? Oh yeah, 5,676. Wait, did I say Kyle Orton? That Kyle Orton? Really? It gets better: the Broncos are 2 - 2, and Moreno was idle during practice today. Can you say 35+ pass attempts? Wait, what? You mean fantasy football heroes don’t translate to automatic wins? And it’s the other team that has the clutch QB that just led a game-winning TD drive to end the game last week against the league-best Tasmanian Devils’ D? Too bad Denver’s getting more points than the Ravens have won by all year.

BUFFALO even over Jax: Sorry, good people of the Florida panhandle. Not only is Kyle Orton making the mile high hee-haws forget the name of your beloved Tim Tebow (don’t worry: he’ll be governor of Florida someday), but you just poured out more emotion over a Jaguars game than you have since the days when we thought Byron Leftwich and David Garrard were competitors for a starting quarterback job. I know, I know: I’m picking against a team. But hey, did anyone ever think a Jack del Rio-coached team would be this bad?

INDIANAPOLIS -7 over Kansas City: Sorry Cinderella, the clock is striking midnight and the pissed off Colts are looking to beat someone like a little stepsister. In the immortal words of Bill Simmons: don’t try to be the genius who spots the Colts’ demise before everyone else. The Colts will let us know when they’re done.

St Louis +3 over DETROIT: Alright here it is: the Cowardly Lions (CREDIT: Gregg Easterbrook) last week, trailing 14-point favorite Green Bay by two points—two points!—late in the fourth quarter, looking at 4th and 10 on the Green Bay 39, punted. This pissed me off extra, because the Browns had just given their best Bella Swan impression the week before at Baltimore. The difference: the Lions are at home, where they can actually win games. What? No Matthew Stafford? And the Bradford led Rams are riding a two-game win streak into an empty Ford Field? And they get points? Ok. Sign me up.

CLEVELAND +3 over Atlanta: Look, go ahead and say it: homer pick. But let me tell you why I’m picking the Browns for the first time all year when they’re playing what should be the toughest team they’ve played all year. Because they’ve lost three games by a combined twelve points and they’re playing at home, where you know there’s going to be a sonic boom coming out of the Dawg Pound every time Brady Quinn 2.0 swings through DBs trying to arm-tackle like a wrecking ball through...anything built in America since World War II (he injured two members of the Bengals secondary last week, just because they wanted to tackle him and he wanted to keep running). Nothing’s ever going to make The Fumble go away, but what the hell was Josh McDaniels thinking? The Browns’ secondary is their weakest link, but Carson Palmer’s 371 yards and 2 TDs went unnoticed by reality footballers.

Tampa Bay +6.5 over CINCINNATI: It’s not that I don’t think Cincinnati is going to get it together and win this game. I do. It’s just that Tampa Bay’s only giving up 20 points a game and Cincy has yet to exceed that number (garbage time against New England doesn’t count).

CAROLINA -1 over Chicago: I told you! I told you! Buzzards! Jay Cutler! Seriously, though, I hope I didn’t jinx him. Peppers’ll be pumped to return to Carolina, but it’s the Panthers D-line that’ll be tearing through those turnstiles in front of the fresh meat Lovie Smith puts under center on Sunday. But this is the last time I pick Carolina this year. Seriously.

Green Bay -2.5 over WASHINGTON: Wow, give up 26 to the lowly Lions and nobody wants to bet on you anymore. To be fair, Green Bay was spotted a ridiculous, New England Patriots circa 2007-esque 14 points. But I just don’t see the ghost of Donovan McNabb outrunning The Animal (who shows every indication of living up to his Hall of Fame pedigree). Besides, it’s right about time for the former Eagle’s annual injury. (N.B. Whatsgonnahappen hopes all NFL players make it out of this week safe and sound.)

NYGiants +3 over HOUSTON: Good news? Cushing’s back. Bad news? Eli Manning’s 7th-ranked offense is licking its chops to play the league’s last-ranked defense. The kicker, Giants D tallied 9 sacks...in the first half last week. And Schaub likes to chuck it.

New Orleans -6.5 over ARIZONA: Two words: Derek Anderson. Four more: I told you so. Six more: Can Kurt Warner come back now? Think Ken Whisenhunt is wishing he’d handled the Matt Leinart situation differently yet? I really wish DA could have been better. Or worse. Too good to be a backup + not good enough to be a starter = coach killer.

San Diego -6 over OAKLAND: September being over the San Diego Super Chargers are allowed to win twelve in a row. But no more after that.

Tennessee +7 over DALLAS: I know, I know, Dallas beat the vaunted Houston Texans, in Houston, by two touchdowns last week. But now they have to beat the Oilers, and this team just gives itself too many distractions. And Tennessee has gone W - L - W - L … and Vegas spots 'em a touchdown. I'll sleep easy tonight on this one.

SAN FRANCISCO -3 over Philadelphia: Kevin Kolb sure looked a lot better back in July. Meanwhile Philly travels 3,000 miles to play a football game at 10:00 in the morning (their time).

Minnesota +4 over NY JETS: Randy Moss + Brett Favre = Super Bowl. Wait? It’s 2010?? Aw, shucks. They’re a combined 73 years old and with 23 NFL seasons between them, you can look up their stats on NFL.com under the “Historical Players” category. Still, it's enough to beat the HBO Jets.

Man Puts Off Life-threatening Surgery for Football

[No time to break down our embarrassing 5 - 9 record from last week while The Wife went 9 - 5. Back later to anticipate this week's What's Gonna Happen (out of town for the weekend).]

The Detroit News gives us a familiar tale (well, familiar to those of us who don't live on the glamorous Coasts) about a man who just plain loves his hometown team in a big game. According to The News' Francis X. Donnelly:

Detroit — Major Hester is a high-strung retiree with a bad heart who gets so wound up during Michigan State games on TV that he has to turn the sound off.

He was supposed to get a new pacemaker this week, which would have come in handy Saturday as he watches one of the biggest Spartan games in a few years.

...but instead he opted for the Spartans game, which was on at the same time. (Factoid: MSU's coach is just two weeks removed from a heart attack of his own. This kind of fanaticism can be blamed on the Dome-dwelling Lions, who punted last week instead of attempting a 50-yard field goal or going for it on 4th and 10 from the Green Bay 39 down by 2 points, to concede the game to heavily-favored Green Bay. Meanwhile, Josh Scobee was shocking all of Florida's panhandle to life with a 59-yard, game-winning field goal over the Let's-let-THEM-tell-US-when-they're-done Colts).

As a NE Ohioan, I know precisely what I and the family and friends I grew up with would do here. I mean, come on, what's the worst that could happen? I'll tell you: the worst that could happen would be if the Browns won the Super Bowl, and then... But you don't have to worry about this happening if you're dead anyway (unless you go to you-know-where).

(Yes, that is Hall-of-Fame-bound, I-just-got-off-my-month-long-vacation-as-punishment, above-the-law Big Ben pouring a handle of some apple juice-colored substance down that co-ed's throat. NOTE: pictures posted Feb. 1, 2006. Think about that.)

Seriously, though, I almost wanted to respond to this article with, "If you told me the Browns were going to be in the Super Bowl, I would not only put off potential life-saving surgery for a day, but I would let you give me life-ENDING surgery." Almost. I mean, come on, I'm covered because I believe that if I'm a good boy then after I die I get to go to a place where the Browns WIN the Super Bowl.

But we're here to talk about the honorable Major Hester. As my brother-in-law (a Steelers fan) would say, "Helluva man!"

Week 4

In response to the predictions of Tony Grossi of the Plain Dealer, available at cleveland.com/browns

I love Mr. Shaw's rationale.

Spread picks:

TENNESSEE -6.5 over Denver Chris Johnson 200 all-purpose yards reminds Josh McDaniels that Denver used to be a contender, and why.

PITTSBURGH -2.5 over Ballimur Ray Lewis's arthritis sets in and the Ravens "old school" D realizes that an 0-3 team just taught it last week that it's actually just an "old" D.

Cincy -3 over CLEVELAND An early turnover proves insurmountable as a new Browns unit--this time the secondary--makes great strides without the rest of the team, giving more hope but still no win. This also leads to a Browns win streak over the Steelers next week for the first time since God only knows.

GREEN BAY -14.5 over le Day twa In a high-scoring affair, ... wait, I can't beat: "Aaron Rodgers activates himself on his fantasy team." Especially since I have him active on my fantasy team.

NAWLINS -13 over Carolina Jimmy Clauses continues Notre Dame's rich tradition, paving the way for D. Crist to be the next Domer bust.

ATLANTA -6.5 over San Fran One day Michael Crabtree, Vernon Davis, Frank Gore, Alex Smith, and Mike Singletary are all going to have a good game at the same time. Today is not that day. Meanwhile, Atlanta realizes that Michael Turner and whoever else they feel like throwing out there can run wild--prompting NFL commentators to repeat the mantra that you can only win in the NFL by passing 35 times a game, and they even manage to convince themselves for one more week!

Seattle -2 over ST LOUIS Pete Carroll in his postgame news conference absent-mindedly voices his surprise at turning out to be as good a coach as he was a talent-recruiter.

BUFFALO +6 over New York Jets Buffalo gets to win one game per year against a good team--and they really hate the Jets. Rex Ryan is caught on network cameras during the game mouthing the words O-VER RA-TED at his own team.

Indianapolis -7 over JAX Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark break the record for QB-TE combo...but nobody sees it because the game isn't on TV.

Houston -3 over OAKLAND Houston vents a little frustration of their own, reminding Oakland that their run defense is terrible and that Arian Foster is the real deal.

SAN DIEGO -9 over Arizona Arizona just barely misses out on the huge upset when Derek Anderson throws a late pick to kill the drive... and then throws another one on the next drive... and then another one on the next drive...

Washington +5.5 over PHILADELPHIA The Michael Vick euphoria subsides as friends and foes alike realize that he just beat some of the worst teams in football, and the Redskins, despite being a terrible team, somehow always end up with 8 wins.

NY GIANTS -3.5 over Chicago Jay Cutler and crew come back down to earth when they lose a pitched sky battle with Tom Coughlin's buzzards, which peck out Jay Cutlers eyes even though he wears his helmet down so low that it covers them. Incidentally, the lack of eyes doesn't affect how many interceptions Cutler ends up throwing.

New England -1 over MIAMI When Wes Welker's surgically-repaired-but-rushed-back-into-service knee finally blows out (taking my fantasy team with it), Bill Belichick pulls a Pats Fan with a Troy Brown jersey from the stands--who actually turns out to be the real Troy Brown--and gets seven catches for 120 yards and two touchdowns out of him before cutting him to make room for the next practice-squad-turned HOFer in line, who shines in the Pats' offense next week.

Last week against the spread: 8 - 8.