What's Gonna Happen: Week 15

Another .500 week last week (8 - 8); doesn’t help, but doesn’t hurt. In the biggest surprise of the week, we found out that the only person left in the universe who could possibly be sympathetic to Brett Favre at this point is God himself. Unfortunately for Brett Favre, our first parents introduced us to sin and death, so not even divine intervention could keep his castle made of sand from falling in the sea eventually.

Other evidence that as fans we lavish too much attention on the NFL and, combined with the quickness and geographical comprehensiveness of the media, exert too much influence on these exceedingly complex businesses we call our teams:

• Kyle Orton, on pace to break Dan Marino's record for most passing yards in a season, will be benched this week for supposedly-not-NFL-worthy Tim Tebow.

• Three headcoaches (Brad Childress, Wade Phillips, and Josh McDaniels) have already been fired mid-season…

• …and in two of those cases, the team instantly became a winner.

• At least three others, Super Bowl runner-up John Fox, Eric Mangini, who has improved his team's record in each of his two seasons, and Mike Singletary, whose 49ers have a shot at winning their division, are the subject of "hot seat" pulp.

• I'm writing this column!

Home teams in caps!

SAN DIEGO -9.5 over San Francisco: Picked last night, in-house, as usual. But last week I whiffed on the Thursday night game, so my credibility goes up a little. That and my recent run of half a dozen weeks of .500 or better. Usually much better. V-Jax is back!

This man is probably available in your fantasy league as you head into your Super Bowl next weekend. Fish in a barrel. Thank me later.

ST LOUIS -1.5 over Kansas City: Unfortunately, it seems that Vegas has figured out my Rams, who were the first professional football team to play for Cleveland, apparently. And, of course, that means the old anti-rooting-interest rule is in effect here. But Matt Cassell's missing appendix told me that 0 - 10 Brodie Croyle is not the next Warren Moon or Troy Aikman (who started their careers at 0 - 10 and 0 - 11, respectively). SAMMIE!!

Houston +1.5 over TENNESSEE: Something tells me that the Texans are going to send the franchise that deserted Houston to the bottom of the division over Randy Moss's dead body. Fortunately for Houston, Randy Moss's dead body is precisely what the Titans will be deploying as their number one wide receiver Sunday.

Jacksonville +5 over INDIANAPOLIS: Thanks again, Colts, for letting us know. On a more positive note, the Jaguars have met every challenge thrown at them since Todd Bouman passed the baton back to David Garrard in Week 8 (when number 9 tossed 4 TDs against the Dallas Divas), winning against the spread in every single game since then (6 - 0). No worries here.

CAROLINA -2.5 over Arizona: As much as I loved picking Fordham Ram John Skelton to win his debut as an NFL quarterback last week, and as much as Carolina is 1 and freaking 12, this is Carolina's last winnable game of the season with games against Pittsburgh and Atlanta looming, and Jimmy Clausen's last chance to convince the Carolina brass not to draft one of the three or four QBs lining up to set four unlucky NFL franchises four more years back on their roads to recovery as they invest big money and high picks in the biggest 1st-round crap-shoot position in the NFL draft.

Also Arizona can probably lose out and not have to worry about not winning the NFC West at 4 - 12.

CINCINNATI -1 over Cleveland: In the last week I've watched this line go from 2.5 to 2 to 1.5 to 1. Oh well. As usual, here's why the Browns are going to win, and I'm not going to pick them (I had to last week because they still had a shot at the playoffs. Also they were playing Buffalo. Buffalo! Come on!):

Thank you, baby Jesus, for helping me not to fumble the ball five times in one game. And thank you for healing Colt's ankle so that the Browns fans of the world do not have to feel the physical effects of fear every time Jake drops back to pass. Amen.

Buffalo +5.5 over MIAMI: The Browns beat the Dolphins and the Bills beat the Browns so the Bills must be able to beat the Dolphins. It's that simple. Right?

(By this logic, the Pittsburgh Steelers can beat the New England Patriots and the New England Patriots can beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sounds about right)

Ok, you want a better reason? Starts with Chad, rhymes with We're-drafting-a-QB-in-the-Spring-so-we-don't-have-to-suffer-through-another-season-of-Henne.

Philadelphia +2.5 over NY GIANTS: Eli got to play against Minnesota last week, with his 4th-best rushing attack of Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw, both of whom went over 100 yards and 1 TD on 14 and 11 carries, respectively, and who average a combined 5.3 yards per carry, and he STILL threw more INTs (2) than TDs (1).

Add to that that he got to play in his opponents rivals' stadium (what kind of cruel devilry subverts an act of God and at the same time contrives a new and untold torture for the most tortured fan base of the 2010 season by giving one of its home games to the fans of its arch rivals to root against its team?)! Speaking of tortured fan bases, now rumors are picking up traction that the nation's second-largest television market has a stadium that's not broken for the Vikings to play in.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Word is, you can get a free dinner for shoveling out the Metrodome these days.

DALLAS -7 over Washington: I get it, Coach Shanahan. At 5 - 8, you're mathematically eliminated from playoff contention and you want to see what you've got in your young guys. But doesn't it feel at least a little bit wrong to bench your best offensive player for Cowboys and Indians week?

TAMPA BAY -5.5 over Detroit: What on earth is going on in the NFC South? It's the new NFC East. I guess with Carolina and the NFC West gobbling up all the losses, there just aren't enough to go around anymore. Don't worry, Detroit, Josh Freeman saved one for you this week. For all those Thanksgiving meals you've made so memorable.

New Orleans +1.5 over BALTIMORE: I'm actually thinking Drew Brees, recently named the Associate Press Male Athlete of the Year, is going to pick apart Baltimore's suspect secondary (I know it was Matt Schaub, but they did give up 393 yards last week), and that Ravens are due for another loss this week (3 - 2 since the bye with a loss last week).

Kinda surprised they're favored.

Atlanta -6 over SEATTLE: I could have sworn this line was higher the other day. With New Orleans at home next week, some might call this a "trap" game. I call it this year's Super Bowl losers against an NFC West team.

PITTSBURGH -6 over NY Jets: Speaking of the Super Bowl, ladies and gentlemen, your 2010–2011 Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

Do we really have to keep talking about the New York Jets? Am I the only one who's sick of all the non-football-related gossip and drama that this team has manufactured for itself all season long, starting with that ridiculous HBO show? As if the New York Post needed help finding scandals to plaster on their oversized front-page spreads.

OAKLAND -7 over Denver: Tim Tebow is starting this week!

Normally, I wouldn't pick Oakland to beat anybody by more than a touchdown. But who on earth can predict what these Oakland Raiders are going to do from one week to the next?

So far, they've lost to Tennessee, Arizona, Houston, San Francisco, and Miami, a combined record of 26 - 40, by a combined score of 86 - 143 (17.2 - 28.6), and beaten San Diego (twice), Kansas City, and Denver, for a 4 - 0 division record…

…and they're 6 - 7 and in third place in the division. Huh?

At any rate, in the last meeting between these two teams, Oakland blew out Denver at home, 59 - 14, and has only gotten better since then (4 - 2 in the interval).

(closing my eyes as I extend my finger randomly toward the screen…)

NEW ENGLAND -14 over Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers, who last year led my fantasy team to the Super Bowl and to the playoffs this year, will not play this week. Will someone please explain to me why NFL.com will not let me sub him out to the bench for a game that doesn't start for TWO MORE FREAKING DAYS WHEN THE FANTASY PLAYOFFS ARE THIS WEEK AND I HAVE THE NUMBER ONE SEED IN MY LEAGUE?!?!

Ok, I'm done. Thanks.

Chicago -6.5 over MINNESOTA: Sorry, Minnesota, I know that Bill Simmons always says that God hates Cleveland, but I think that when you can't decide whether Brett Favre has done more damage to your franchise by playing for your rival or by playing on your side, and when the last two years of professional football in Minnesota will be remembered for this…

Jets employee—in what capacity, we're not sure—Jenn Sterger