Week 14

12 - 4 last week, and that’s after blowing the Tom Brady-over-Jets-minus-their-starting-safety pick AND talking myself out of picking the Browns with the old pick-against-the-rooting-interest rule. In other news, can we please stop praising the Minnesota Vikings and the Dallas Cowboys, who are a combined 5 - 1 since firing their head coaches? This is going to be hard to take, but listen carefully: teams don’t magically get better in the middle of the season just because you fire your coach.

If a 1 - 7 team suddenly goes 3 - 1 while averaging over 34 points per game, it’s because it was loaded with talented bums who refused to put forth effort until their coach was gone.

The 2 - 7 Minnesota Vikings are 2 - 0 since they decided to start playing football again, with a combined 55 points in the wins. More significantly, they held opponents to 13 and 14 points in the two games, after giving up a minimum of 24 points per game in the previous seven games.

You want more proof? Let’s see how the Denver Broncos, who just fired their head coach in-season, fare in the next four games.

Indianapolis -3.5 over TENNESSEE: Picked in-house as usual, and for once it wasn’t a win for me, which goes a long way toward my credibility in retroactively posting the Thursday night games on Friday evening.

Oakland +4 over Jacksonville: Here’s what’s gonna happen: the Raiders, who rushed for 251 yards last week against the best defense in the league (and 5th against the run, giving up 95.2 ypg), are coming 3,000 miles from sea to shining sea to shock a half-full EverBank field and all the residents of the Florida panhandle who get to watch the game on TV even though the game wasn’t sold out. Why? Because football is still better than re-running the Price is Right and the greedy NFL is looking at a blackout of all its games next year.

PITTSBURGH -8.5 over Cincinnati: I love this line. Cincinnati’s going to go into Pittsburgh, where Mike Straigh-outta-Compton Tomlin’s boys are playing with the unified spirit of bruthas. Word is on the streets, all y’all dogs get puffy jackets if you concuss an opponent. Reck-uh-nize!

Sad thing? This team gets to hoist the Lombardi trophy in two short months.

CHICAGO +3 over New England: Look, I know that Pat Kirwan’s breakdown of Tom Brady’s passing attack is unassailable (“He’s throwing balls at guys’ belt buckles—right between the bottom of the numbers and the belt buckle—how can you defend against that?!), I know that Tom Brady’s passing attack is, all incomprehensible comments aside, unstoppable, I know that the Patriots shut my mouth last week.

But, come on, that was the Jets. The team that needed overtime to beat the Detroit Lions and the Cleveland Browns (combined 7 - 17), not to mention got blanked at home by the Packers.

Alright, you know what? I don't have a good reason for picking the Bears here. Ok? You happy?

Cleveland +1 over BUFFALO: Here we go again, picking with the rooting interest. Definitely a sign that I’m in for a bad week. But even Bill Simmons, who is allergic to Jake Delhomme, this week wants the Browns, who still think they have a shot at the playoffs.

32nd-ranked run defense in a blizzard against Peyton Hillis and his bulldozer Lawrence Vickers. Any questions?

Next week: Colt McCoy returns to face the Cincinnati Bengals, fresh off a beating at the hands of the Pittsburgh Thugz? It gets better: the early line in that game is Bengals by 2.5!

MINNESOTA +3 over NY Giants: Normally, I would be happy to take these Giants over these Vikings at any venue, but I’ve got a feeling Eli’s due for another four turnover game, and Minnesota’s 4th-ranked rushing defense has kept opponents averaging 31 pass attempts per game—even though two of those same opponents never played catch-up.

Green Bay -6.5 over DETROIT: Alright, look. Aaron Rodgers is 5 - 0 against the Lions. You think he’s going to lose to them in December with a one-game deficit to make up in the division? When New England’s coming to Chicago?

You might say, “Yeah, but everybody’s 5 - 0 against the Lions!”

…and you would be right.

Atlanta -7 over CAROLINA: Seriously, Vegas? You can’t give Carolina more than seven this week? After spotting them 11 against the Browns?

Atlanta clinch the one-seed yet? No? Ok. Atlanta.

WASHINGTON +2 over Tampa Bay: Everyone’s talking like Tampa Bay lost any chance at winning the NFC South last weekend, and… wait? Tampa Bay actually did lose any chance at winning the NFC South last weekend! Probably not getting New Orleans’ or Green Bay’s playoff tickets either.

And Washington just fired Albert Haynesworth, which is kind of like firing your head coach, only your head coach usually doesn’t lie on his belly chewing grass while Michael Vick prances gracefully about like a gazelle. (On a related note, let's all bear in mind that it was against the corpse of Albert Haynesworth that Video game Vick put up those gaudy stats in that breakout game.)

But that's what happens when a child (or even a man, for that matter) gets a 100-million-dollar contract.

How many of us can pass through the eye of a needle with $100 million in our pockets?

NEW ORLEANS -9 over St Louis: Dang. No Sammie this week. After Drew Brees and Co. blow out the Rams (who have no pressure on them, as they play in a division that has a combined 19 wins—worst in the league), next week St Louis can get back to beating the spread, and beating their opponents: in that case, the Chiefs. A tough game, since KC may be able to clinch next week against a 6 - 7 Rams squad. Either way, should be a good week for the NFL’s best team against the spread.

Seattle +5 over SAN FRANCISCO: I almost accidentally wrote San Francisco first just now, automatically picking the favorite. Brain kicked in. Usually not a good sign, but this week the brain informs me that Johnnie Lynn, Mike Singletary’s assistant head coach, resigned yesterday for “personal reasons”. Read: to get an early start on the offseason job hunt.

Not a good sign, Coach Singletary.

Unfortunately, in today's NFL head coaches are evaluated as if they were players—on a weekly basis, by fans and media. In other words, as if students and their parents held the job security of college professors in their inexpert hands.

I'll be home in four weeks, honey!

Miami +5.5 over NY JETS: I know. It was just one game. The Jets are gonna be fine. After all, Rex Ryan and the Jests buried the game ball from Monday night’s debacle in Foxboro. Really, Rex? You buried the ball? Theatrics are all well and good, but you might want to address with your team how you’re going to stop QBs from going 21/29 for 326 yards, 4 TDs and no picks for a Rating of 148.9 (not a perfect rating, by the way; Brady did that the week before at Detroit: 158.3).

And no, you don’t get to play Chad Henne every week, so you’re actually going to have to think about maybe game-planning. Instead of jabbering to TV cameras all day long.

ARIZONA +5 over Denver: Wow. Arizona. At home. With points. And Fordham Ram John Skelton is under center!

On the Denver side of the ball, the Broncos will show us this week that, no, they’re not just a bunch of spoiled divas: they really just aren’t that good. One of their main problems was losing the best wide receiver on their roster. And their quarterback. But then, Kyle Orton could break Dan Marino’s record this year, so who knows?

Kansas City +7 over SAN DIEGO: I’m not saying Kansas City wins this game, but it’s do-or-die for the Chargers, and Kansas City can all but mark their calendars for a home game in January if they win this game. It’ll be close. KC prevailed in the first meeting between these teams (21 - 14), but that was a long time ago (9/13).

Philadelphia -3.5 over DALLAS: Video game Vick is coming to big D! In prime time! This is the week when the Dallas I–honor–my–contract–when–I–feel–like–it Cowboys finally stop getting inferior teams to beat up on and make all the pundits bob their heads at the ridiculous proposition that Wade Phillips was the sole reason for Dallas’s 1 - 7 start.

Good ol' brain.

I wish I could root for old Dallas. I really do. Wait: even more reason to pick against them! High five, brain! That was a close one.

Baltimore -3 over HOUSTON: Classic reverse-rooting-interest pick. The Browns need Baltimore to lose this game to keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Here we go, Houston, here we go!

Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a single reason why the Texans should win this game, since Ray Lewis still draws breath.